Before Jesus I was a husk of a man. I sought to make things about me, even when I wasn't trying. I lived as the old man. The man who has little hope, little purpose, little meaning outside myself. It led me a few times to seriously contemplate suicide. It led me to hurt others so I could feel. I wanted to be known for what I did. I had hurts from childhood, though I haven't been able to point to the biggest. I struggled as Adam and Eve did after the fall, and every person not born of the spirit since then. I had a huge hole in my soul and a desire for a father who really truly knew me and cared for me. Then I turned 15 and everything changed.

Those behaviors and my desire for control can all be seen through the lens of psychology as defense mechanism or in some cases with my responses to relationships, a stunted emotional growth or immaturity.

This view of defense mechanisms and stuck points go back to our hollow search for meaning. This is rooted in the first sin where Adam and Eve wanted to create their own definition of good and evil and took from the fruit. When they were cast out they did find meaning and definition in themselves, though it was void of substance and power. Since they lost that connection, that true synchronization with the Lord of Hosts and his creation they lost an important feature, their spiritual root. They were mere flesh and bone. The hurt, the pain, the misunderstandings, the curses of the earth were all laid out for them. This was something they and their progeny would live with forever. Since then, man has been unable on his own to find a meaningful purpose that will fill his soul, bring true joy to his heart, and satiate his longings. But then Jesus descended, being born of a virgin from the Holy Spirit. And that all had the potential for change. With the new Adam, where 1 transgression brought death to all, 1 man through his righteous sacrifice brought life and justification to all who would believe. Where there was no meaning, no substance to our hope before, it could now be found in him. The law had not the power to save but to increase sin, for in it one found what sin was. Because of this the new man was able to be led by his spirit, as he now had one. The new man could find meaning, purpose, and security in the Lord. He wanted to, needed to. The new man was free from his bondage and because of that earnestly desires to follow after the Lord and his commands. This obedience comes, not from obligation, but from reconciliation and justification. He wants to follow the Lord because the Lord has brought him out of the dark. He has freed him. So the new man looks at the allures, the temptations of the old man and what he struggled with in the past and says, "Lord, I give this to you as I give everything I am. I find meaning in you. This isn't me nor does it get to define me. But you do. So use this however you want." The temptation has no effect. The old man's hauntings and past fails to take root, because something better has come. There is something the old nature couldn't fulfill, couldn't satisfy. The new man can feel it. And in this process the new man will teach the flesh how good the honey is and bring them into the land promised by God.

The strongest is the need for control. Many of my defense mechanisms and personality flaws are rooted in that old desire for control of life and to hold the key to it all. I can see this everyday. It is interesting to see it, because I can view it from a different perspective. Whereas 3AD me would have not noticed and continued in the actions, 4AD (after divorce) me abides in Him more and has greater understanding, I see the potential temptation of taking control and I look at it and shake my head. That's not for me. What good would that do in my life. The Lord has shown me he can handle it, he can bring me through. I showed him I can't. Knowing that, let's let this one go and watch how miraculously the Lord works today. And it happens as such. I do truly see this and wonder. Sometimes the back of my mind wonders if what I am doing is right or if it just me avoiding feeling it. But when I see the Lord bring me through it and feel a sense of satisfaction that He is taking care of me those thoughts peel off like dead skin. The temptations of old haven't held the same power. The desire rises every once in a while, but even now my flesh talks it down logically. Now to stay consistent in this day to day.

Time to live Genesis 2. Have you wanted to live in the life fitting a child of the Most High? "Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.